Surface Tension

inside out or outside in?

surface tension — tension between what’s inside and outside

Is there tension between your interior and exterior?

Do others see you the way you mean to be seen? Does the way you’re seen differ from the way you are, and most importantly, do you mean for it to be different?

Sometimes we want to unbelong just as much as we want to belong. Sometimes we create the tension, we create an image for others to see. Not out of insecurity, out of security.

Security of the interior and the fear of losing it.

We let society see what they see, we wish to inhere but it’s too costly. To fit into places means to truly be there. To believe the same truth everyone else believes, and let everyone know that you do. To be known inside out.

To be known inside out is a vulnerable state not many desire to be put in. Belonging is reversible. You could belong one day and be excluded the next. But vulnerability isn’t. Knowledge isn’t. Once someone knows you they will always know the things you’ve shown them. When you show someone your most vulnerable moments, they’ll always remember them. Because these moments make us. However, any of these moments could be the reason for exclusion. Which leads to insecurity of the self. So we avoid befitting. The surface tension is tangible, but no tension isn’t.

No tension implies a liminal state. Vulnerable and uncertain. Because when people know everything, and give their opinions on all you do. How can you be sure the truth you believe is yours?

When you fit in and belong, how can you know that you’re an individual on your own? Like a dystopian, you feel brainwashed. How can a person not know their interior as their own?

What I knew personally to be true had come to seem unrelated to the process of persuading others.

I have established a truth I trust and believe. I believe that a miracle happens every day. I believe in meditation and morning yoga. I believe in pursuing dreams. I believe in living life to the fullest. That is my truth.

But I haven’t always had the same beliefs. When I belonged to a group of cynics, I also became one. I still befriend them knowing I unbelong. Not because I look down on them—they aren’t bad people—but because the way we functioned together turned me into someone I wasn't. Their outlook just isn't my truth.

I find that the surface tension is hard, but it’s imminent if you want to lead your life. You learn to feel happy with it. Following the crowd is harder. It feels forced. Tenser with no tension. And in the quiet of the night when the crowd is gone, it’s empty.

Before I wrote, journaled, meditated, read, drew, embroidered, painted..who was I?

I didn’t do the things that give me life now, and perhaps that was the cause of my unhappiness. Not knowing what life meant to me.

Stop persuading others of who you are.

A while back, I told a friend of mine about a journal I was planning to buy. Her response: “Why don’t you use that money to buy some makeup?”

I understood her, she loves makeup, I myself love makeup. But that’s when I realised, I was different from her. She loved video games, I loved writing. And that was my truth. It hurt me that she didn’t understand me when I explained why I wanted this journal. So I decided to stop persuading others of who I am. Thats when I stopped belonging.

I stopped telling people of what motivated me to keep living. If I kept having to convince them, it would’ve turned the secure activity into something I hide. I care what others think, but I don’t hide. I just don’t feel the need to start a conversation about whether they agree with my hobbies or not. It only builds resentment.

So I do the things I love and I avoid telling people if not needed. As long as it makes sense to me, I’m happy.

Unbelonging as a shield.

People can be cruel. They can use your trust against you. They can turn knowing you into betrayal. Many have been betrayed by their susceptibility. They tell someone one thing and it turns into months of hurt. So they stop trusting.

They look for patterns. Avoid people that could hurt them. They stop telling everyone everything. They learn what oversharing means. And they think they’ve learned from their mistakes. Then they trust one person they deemed trustworthy. And they betray them. They go over the same steps again. Avoiding, not trusting, their guard up constantly, until the next betrayal is their best friend.

Now all they can do is keep these things to themselves.

They build surface tension. Turn their outside in. Unbelong. As a shield.

They start to like this life. Enjoy the lack of sharing. They find their truth. What they love. The things that motivate them. The tension becomes something they use to discover themselves. Now they find it pointless to be the way they used to be. The hurt experienced becomes a miracle. The interior becomes theirs.

They stop being inside out for everyone they meet.

The observer

This shield doesn’t isolate you; it turns your perspective into a quiet peaceful window. You start to watch people, notice social patterns, the way people function. You speak less, become detached, watchful. You stop trying to be funny, or socially accepted. You become the person you are.

You sit at the table, talking, but noticing things you wouldn’t have before. The way one of your friends seems out of it. Or when one girl has a story to tell and has to hold it in until the conversation ends. You see everything, because you aren’t worried about what you do. Why should you be when you’re just you?

It’s a type of solitude, not lonely, enthralling. A type of content you thought you’d never feel. The surface tension didn’t create a prison, it created a sanctuary.

Now, I step into rooms not to be filled by the noise of others, but to quietly enjoy the richness of the silence I have built inside myself.

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